I have commitment issues. I know where they originate - losing my dad at eighteen and my first love a mere six years later was an introduction to impermanence that informed me. I held an abject distrust of “plans”, because life paid no attention to those whatsoever. Deferring life until a tomorrow that may never come just didn’t seem like a solid way to live. Yet I was never truly free, living life on my own terms. I chose a safe career, sensible and stable. “Accounting is a good career for women”, my mother opined in 1984 when I was choosing a college path. She wasn’t wrong. She just underestimated how epically soul sucking that path was for me. I don’t regret it. I learned so much, and I’m actually ridiculously good at it. Systems and operations are my thing - I inherently understand how infrastructure needs to be laid out in order to build a foundation for a business. It is part of being a cosmic architect. I also inherently understand what your soul requires to support its fullest expression. Different mediums perhaps, but the same skill set. At the end of the day, my accounting career was “successful”, a comfortable expression of my Capricorn sun, yet it always left me seeking. My Pisces ascendant needed an outlet. And so I delved into the mysteries, constantly evolving and upleveling my own consciousness, deepening in my awareness of my existence as a Divine Being having a human experience.
Over the years of delving, I have been blessed to encounter amazing souls on a similar journey, each a teacher in their own way. In 2016, I met two beings with whom I am deeply grateful to have crossed paths - the brilliant siblings Jonathan and Melody Mischke. Their work in uncovering our Luminous Self is extraordinary, and was pivotal for me. During a cohort I participated in during 2024, they dubbed me the Priestess of Wild. I had come into a realization of my need for unfettered self expression, to live wildly in the essence of who I am, which they were so generously witnessing. This untamed Self is a departure from the staid day job that had defined me for decades, and although in some ways familiar to me, we needed to get reacquainted. I could feel the wildness in me, rising and unfurling, like a desert sandstorm, changing the very landscape by its expression. Something needed to give, and give it did.
There were a few key moments last year that changed the trajectory of my life. They are deeply personal, and I may never share the details of them publicly. Yet they have shaped me, an invitation to the Wild I Am that could not be declined. So I sit now, back home in the comfort of my gilded cage, watching the collective devolution of what could have been cede to the chaos of what is becoming. I feel an odd peace. It is a peace born of that early loss, the conditioning of nothing is guaranteed. Should have, could have - irrelevant really, because the only time is now. The only reality is the one in which we are living. I saw a social media post earlier today that said “I am mourning the loss of the future that should have been.” I understand it, the mourning, yet I see it as grieving something that never was, something that existed only as a concept in some people’s minds. It is a vision of the future that remains aspirational, and yet in these days of chaos, I do not grieve. I have deep empathy for those who have been plunged into suffering simply because they exist, and because evil has bamboozled a whole lot of people who have traded their empathy for a sham sense of belonging. I am committed to co-creating inclusive community, based on witnessing and being witnessed. The how is becoming more clear, through my words, my presence, and the spaces I inhabit.
I have also made a soul commitment to honor my Wild. There is no guarantee of outcome, there are a thousand reasons why my next steps can be considered “crazy”, and yet here I am, unencumbered and all out of fucks to give. I have never felt more Alive. I have never felt more attuned to the Essence of my Soul as I do in this moment, as words that demand a voice are spoken, and dreams beyond imagining are birthed. Some force beyond me, and yet so intrinsically me, compels me now. Last year I took a trip to the Siwa Oasis, to the Oracle Temple of Amun. As I sat in meditation in that sacred place, I felt the eternity of sound, the expanse of elements, and the haunting call to shed all that is unnecessary. It was in this holy place that the only vestment I needed was returned to me, and it was through sacred witnessing that I found the courage to wear it once again. Adorned in my Wild, I take my next brave step.
Blessed be.
PS. If you are curious about Jonathan and Melody’s work with the Luminous Self, please visit their site Luminous Planet. They truly embody what they teach!
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